Even in mid-Flight, My Ass was Made for Sitting
For your own good, park your ass, butt, heinie, gluteus maximus, posterior, badonkadonk or whatever you call your backside, before reading this column. In other words, sit down.
No, the following prose does not contain a startling revelation from the Robert Mueller probe, a spoiler alert from an upcoming Westworld episode or a link to a YouTube clip showing a strange glowing object hovering over the Arizona desert. I’m asking you to sit because that soft, fleshy area located on the pelvic region’s posterior and clinically referred to as the “buttocks,” is fast becoming the body’s most neglected area. And I don’t like it.
I feel like I’ve been on my feet for most of 2018. A recent bus ride from Harlem to LaGuardia Airport found me standing and clinging to a pole for well over an hour, my feet serving as shock absorbers as the driver consistently pumped his brakes, deftly avoiding whatever New York City dared to throw into his path, be it pretzel vendors, baby strollers or babies eating pretzels. Passengers lucky enough to snag seats looked as if they would be willing to ride the bus all the way to New Hampshire rather than stand.
In Las Vegas, my $175 ticket to see country superstar Kenny Chesney did not include a seat. Granted, I knew “general admission” meant standing; and I assumed I could tough it out with the scores of other concertgoers who opted for similar tickets. But before the opening notes of Beer in Mexico reverberated through the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, I found myself jealously scanning the balcony area behind me, featuring patrons comfortably sitting and awaiting Chesney’s arrival. And yet, once the concert began, even those who had paid for seats stood up and remained standing for the entire show. Go figure.
Now comes word that Aviointeriors, an Italian manufacturer of aircraft interiors, is floating the idea of installing “seats” featuring designs so upright, passengers are basically standing for the entire flight. Dubbed Skyrider 2.0 (no word on what became of Skyrider 1.0), the seats allow for, the website states, “ultra-high density in the aircraft cabin.”
As someone whose elbows, knees and, one time, forehead, have been victims of collisions with beverage carts, allow me to speak for the entire flying community in proclaiming “higher density” is the last feature airlines should be considering. Especially when passengers are now sharing their density with support animals.
Skyrider 2.0 seats, Aviointeriors says, could increase passenger numbers by 20 percent while still providing “adequate comfort.” I’m sure the makers of MRI machines also believe patients will be “adequately comfortable” while stuck in a tube for 90 minutes. The last time I strapped myself into a seat similar to the Skyrider 2.0 design was at an amusement park. Seconds later I was launched 500 feet into the air and flipped over numerous times. Hopefully that is not a Skyrider 2.0 feature.
Maybe I’m cynical because both my feet have been in constant states of pain for months. Dr. Google says I most likely have Achilles tendinitis in my right foot and osteoarthritis in my left. Evenings are hell, and mornings are worse. I’m an avid runner and tennis player, and currently I can do neither. Eventually I plan to get off the internet and visit an actual foot specialist who will no doubt recommend physical therapy and insist I stay away from any seats made by Aviointeriors.
I’ve read the studies concluding sitting all day is a leading cause of health maladies, including obesity. But I’m pain-free when my weight is resting on my buttocks as opposed to my feet. A bus ride, even in New York City, would be more pleasant if I weren’t clutching a germ-infested pole. And Chesney’s You and Tequila Make Me Crazy would sound even better if I wasn’t silently whining about how my feet were having a similar effect.
So, before the “sitting is the new smoking” bandwagon gathers any more steam, let’s give aching feet a brief rest. Plop your ass on a comfortable cushion. Or, better yet, a chaise lounge overlooking the ocean in a tropical location. Airfares to the Caribbean are more affordable than you think.
If you don’t mind standing for a few hours.
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator of the web series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.”
